What Cancer Has Given Me

As my final chemo treatment approaches, I feel such a mixture of emotions.  I'm anxious about how I will feel about ending treatment, going back to work, not seeing my mom every couple of weeks, no more bird sock pictures (although I think we could make it a monthly or annual thing), and about facing my fears regarding length of remission and prognosis.    But my anxiety is coupled with overwhelming gratitude, joy, excitement, and peace about my life as it is right now.  In hard moments over the last couple of months, I've thought a lot about what cancer has taken from me.  It's taken away my freedom to think about having children without thinking about my life expectancy.   It's taken away finances I could've spent on travel or people.  It's taken away my ability to fill out health questionnaires in a carefree manner, since I now have to check the cancer box at every dentist, massage, or doctor's appointment.  It's put constraints on how Janelle and I can plan for the future.  It's made me fear ever moving further than 20 miles away from Dana-Farber.  Cancer has given me nightmares, baldness, self-righteous thoughts, fears, and complaints.  It's made me rethink my habits, career, and diet.  I could go on.  But instead, every time I think about what cancer has taken from me, I'm reminded of all it has given me.

Cancer has allowed to spend weeks upon weeks with my amazing mother, which has been such a blessing.  It's connected me to my sister and brother in wonderful ways.  It's given me the chance to see the amazing community Janelle and I have in our lives.  It's given me the opportunity to connect with old friends from grade school, high school, and college, as well as, new friends from work and grad school.  I've heard from old neighbors, family friends, colleagues, and perfect strangers.  It's given me amazing socks, that are brightly colored and keep my feet warm.  Cancer has reminded me of each and every blessing in my life.  It's inspired me to learn more, give more, and share more about cancer, the environmental factors that contribute to it, bone/blood/organ donation, and cancer research.  It's connected me to other cancer patients and survivors.  It's made me feel so alone but also reminded me that I'm never alone in this world.  Cancer has reminded me why I love and need to teach.  It has changed my perspective on life in a pretty radical way.  Things that used to stress me out just matter less now.  I'm grateful for my new lens with which I experience the world.  The world I live in now has very dark blacks and very bright lights.  It's different than my old world, but that's ok.

To be clear, my cancer diagnosis has not been a blessing and never will be in my mind.  It still completely sucks.  However, I can't change my diagnosis.  I can only change my attitude and perspective.  My new lens is my blessing.  In some ways, cancer helped me find and create this new lens but I won't give it full credit.  Cancer could've easily ruined me.  I had to make decisions about how to navigate this new world all by myself.  I'm pretty proud of where I've ended up.

I don't want tomorrow to come.  I hate treatment days.  But it's my last treatment day for the foreseeable future.  That makes me joyous and anxious.  I know I'll figure out how to manage life after chemo and I'm also sure that I will have some hard moments.  I'm just glad that I've made it this far.  I couldn't have done this without my family and friends.  Some days they carried me, even when they didn't know it. I know I will never fully be able to express my gratitude to everyone.  Thank you all.  This is a new beginning.  I've had lots of those lately.  I'm finally starting to embrace beginnings and see them for what they are worth, instead of running away from them.  I'm lucky to start this new beginning with a whole flock of amazing people.

What's Up With The Bird Socks?

I've gotten a lot of questions lately about how the "bird-sock-wearing-on-treatment-days" came to be.  It all started with my aunts, my mom's two sisters, who live on the West Coast.  My aunts found the "Birds on a Wire" socks and sent them to me to wear on my first treatment day on September 14th.  They also bought pairs of socks and wore them on my first treatment day, along with my uncles.

It was a way for us all to be connected, even though there is great distance between us.  Then, Janelle and the rest of my immediate and extended family got pairs of socks to support me.  After my second round, Janelle shared the story of the bird socks on my caring bridge site and prompted people to buy them to help us all feel connected on my treatment days.  We had no idea that so many people would purchase and wear the socks on my treatment days.  One of my favorite parts about this amazing phenomenon is that the socks have birds on them.  If you know my extended family, you know that we range from casual birders to very-serious--award-winning-birders.  Birds have always connected us.  Now bird socks are connecting us.

On treatment days, I get pictures from my family, my mom's friends, my dad's coworkers, my cousin's roommates, my old friends from high school, colleagues, my brother's work friends, Janelle's extended family, my family friends, Janelle's friends from Thailand, and even my principal.  We were not expecting this.  However, the bird socks anchor me on my treatment days.  The constant flood of texts, emails, Facebook and CaringBridge posts of sock pictures help get me through the day.  Even when people don't send pictures, just knowing people are wearing the socks brings a smile to my face.   How magical is that!  People are wearing bird socks to remind me that I am not alone.  That I am not going through this by myself.  I have people.  And they've got me.  Even people that don't have bird socks send me pictures of their socks, which I love just as much.

If anyone feels moved to buy the bird socks, you can buy them here:
Birds on a Wire Socks

Or if you're local, you can get them at On Centre in JP or Brookline Booksmith.

I'm dreading Monday but know the sock pictures will get me through the day!  Also, the date of my last treatment was changed to December 29th, so that Nurse Jackie can be my chemo nurse.  She's been my chemo nurse for every treatment so far.  She brings us comfort and a familiar face.  She won't be with us this coming Monday(because she has the day off, which is totally allowed), but that's the only one we'll have without her.

Love and bird socks.