A Canary in a Coal Mine

Some days I wake up so mad with thoughts of  "Why me?!  What have I done to deserve this?"  Sometimes I get self-righteous.  I don't drink or smoke, or even drink soda or caffeine!  I've never done drugs or broken the law.  I'm a good person.  I teach special education to urban students.  Give cancer to someone who deserves it.  


But then my rage slowly disappears and I remember that no one deserves this.  Not even people that make choices I wouldn't make for myself, my body, or my family.  No one deserves to have an intruder in their body.  No one.  So, I stop the "why me?" questioning and I go back to being grateful for the life I have lived and still get to live every day.  The brutal parts of life often don't have reasons or answers.  They are just simply unfair.  
I didn't used to be proud of this and some days it is still hard to embrace.  But I am.  I've always been sensitive, in my emotions, thinking, body, and experiences.  I'm more sensitive to the sun, fluctuating temperatures, criticism, textures, contagious emotions, chemicals, medicines and so on.  Since I was a child, things, people, and experiences have affected me more than the average person.  I have high highs and low lows.  Depression and anxiety have been active elements in my life but so have exploding gratitude and unfounded joy.  It's taken me many years to own this part of my identity but I think I can finally say it without sadness, embarrassment, or regret.  I'm a highly sensitive person.  Therefore, it kinda makes sense that I got cancer.  If I have an overly sensitive body, toxins in my environment would affect me more than others.  Chemicals like chlorine and bleach have always given me headaches and rashes.  I get sun burnt after fifteen minutes in the sun.  I had chronic headaches during my first two years of teaching from who knows what - the lights, loud children, mildew? 

I'm a canary in the coal mine of life.  This is the definition of a canary in a coal mine from wiktionary: something/someone whose sensitivity to adverse conditions makes it a useful early indicator of such conditions; something which warns of the coming of greater danger or trouble by a deterioration in its health or welfare.  I've always been the canary.  My principal has even used this metaphor to describe my strengths AND my weaknesses as an employee.  I'm detail-oriented.  I'm very type A and get overly invested and emotional about basically everything.   I notice small problems but can also see the big picture clearly.  Luckily, there are some useful skills that come along with being highly sensitive.  I'm a true canary.  My sensitivity is important.

My cancer feels like a warning to the world that things aren't right.  There is too much pollution, contamination, chemicals, and toxins in our world.  I'm sure everyone feels this way when they get cancer.  But I think it's true.  The canaries in our world are sick.  And we are not listening.  There is so much we need to and can do to clean up our world.  So many people have started this work- like my grandmother who brings a plastic bag with her everywhere to pick up the garbage she sees.  But there is so much more to be done.  

In some small way though, I think I know why I got cancer.  The research tells me that all the toxins in my environment, in addition to my lifestyle and genes are the reasons that I got cancer.  But I think it's more than that.  I'm a highly sensitive person (a canary in a coal mine).  

Side note: I also lived in Malaysia, breathing in burning garbage for ten months.  Honestly, I'd love to blame this horrible cancer on Malaysia's lack of clean air; however, I think it was more than just my time in Malaysia.  My sensitivities were with me long before Malaysia and have stayed with me since.  Yes, do I think my time in Malaysia increased my chances of getting cancer or that my lymphoma started growing there?  Possibly.  But it hasn't done me much good to regret that time or those experiences.  

We're letting the canaries die in the coal mines without changing the conditions.  Yes, I am finally proud to be a canary but I'm not going down without a fight.