Anna's Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Days

Yep.  It's been a really rough 48 hours here.  

oral thrush + throat inflammation + low blood counts + extreme weakness + nausea + fatigue + can't stand up for more than 2 minutes without feeling faint = terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days 

sunshine + Janelle love + storm cat snuggles + emails of hope + Reiki + funny pictures/videos + friend chats on the bed+ phone calls from home = hope that the sunflower moments will crush the cancer ones

Over the last two days, I've felt hopeless.  Or at least I thought I did.  I've never felt more weak or sick in my life.  Yesterday, I emailed a friend to get some hope and support.  She reminded me that the simple act of reaching out and asking for help is an act of hope. Hopeless people give up.  Hopeful people ask for help.  So, Janelle and I have done some asking over the last 48 hours. We've asked for Tylenol and cottage cheese deliveries, for stories to distract us, for classroom coverage, for support during the day, and for reminders that our community is here with us on this, what feels today, like a very brutal journey.   

My oncologist was not incredibly surprised by my sudden weakness and fatigue, which is hard and at the same time also reassuring.  It means that this is common.  This is what chemo does to people.  But it also means that THIS IS COMMON.  People go through this pain all the time.  If I'm still feeling this weak and fatigued tomorrow, I will go into Dana-Farber to meet with my doctor and get IV fluids.  We've been attempting to avoid this since my blood counts are still low, traveling anywhere is exhausting for me, and trips to Dana-Farber outside of my chemo days always set me back a bit emotionally.  

When I say I've been feeling really weak and fatigued, I mean that Janelle has needed to make all of my meals for me, help me shower, watch me walk to and from the bathroom, and so on.  Today was the first day I felt well enough to SIT in the shower and get clean with Janelle's support.  It's a terrible, horrible feeling to feel this helpless and reliant on someone else.  My mom flew back on Friday and isn't with us this week because Thanksgiving makes traveling so complicated.  Therefore, Janelle had to stay home from work today to take care of me.  We've really been trying to avoid her missing any more work but we didn't really have many other options.  Over the last two days, we've felt the weight of our families' distance heavily.  Asking big favors of friends is much harder than asking family.  I am very proud of Janelle though, for reaching out to our community and asking for support. It's not easy.  

Rounds 5 and 6 seem like impossible feats right now. I don't want to go through with them.  I want to ask my doctor to make it all stop.  There have been very brief sunflower moments lately that have given me just a tiny bit of peace with my treatment plan.  Just a tiny bit.  I'm hoping that once I feel better my peace will grow and it won't feel like the future is entirely dark.

Some sunflower moments: 

Storm cat is one of the brightest sunflowers in our lives.  Thank goodness we have him to remind us to have hope that tomorrow will be better. 
  
And sunshine. And reiki.