Taking a Step Back to Look Forward

My 4th round has been a challenge  It has tested me physically and emotionally.  It has tested my spirit and my ability to hope. However, I'm starting to feel better and find a new daily rhythm.  My days now involve more napping and more water drinking. Recently,  I've been dealing with a racing heart and some shooting pains in different parts of my body.  Here's to hoping that neuropathy stays away and my shingles is not making a reappearance.

Today I had to go into the hospital to get fluids and an EKG.  My elevated heart rate was most likely due to dehydration and anxiety.  I was able to meet with my doctor and talk over the plans for my last two rounds of chemotherapy.  This round has made me question whether going through two more rounds is possible, smart, or necessary.  After spending an hour talking it over with my doctor and Janelle today, I know it is the right way forward. I really wanted to quit.  Some days this just feels too hard and too unfair.  However, I want the longest remission that I can get and unfortunately six rounds of RCHOP is the way to do that right now.  Even though my body is struggling and my resolve is waning, I can do hard things.  I can do this.  We have a better plan for the next round.  I'm going to get preemptive fluids before my blood counts drop and my sister is going to come and spend the 2nd week with us.  With this plan in place, round 5 feels doable.  I can handle doable.

Also, it's the season of gratitude.  And I have serious amounts of gratitude right now.  Every day, I'm blown away by the love, support, encouragement, and hope that surrounds me.  My grateful heart carries me on the hardest of days.  This cancer thing wasn't part of the our plan but Janelle has been my "block" through it all.  Today, while getting my blood drawn and IV put in, Janelle entertained me with videos and pictures of my favorite babies and storm cat.  She does this every single time.  She takes her place at my side, holds my hand, and reminds me of all of the joy in my life.  My serious phobia of needles and tendency to faint make this cancer thing a bit more challenging. But Janelle and I have a system that gets me through my blood draws and IV placements. Could I be any more blessed?!

Last week I felt my family's distance but I also felt the strength of my community.  On Tuesday alone, three of my closest friends visited and kept me company so that Janelle could go into work and stay for her late day.  Life is pretty amazing sometimes.  So ya, cancer sucks but it's going to be ok.  I've got my people.  Or more like my people have got me.  And for that, I can't even express how grateful I am.  Gratitude changes everything.

Oh ya, that family I'm marrying into someday soon...they are my people too.  On Thanksgiving day, they all surprised me by wearing their bird socks to dinner.  I fell asleep and woke up surrounded by everyone in bird socks.  Life really doesn't get any better than that.