What Cancer Has Given Me

As my final chemo treatment approaches, I feel such a mixture of emotions.  I'm anxious about how I will feel about ending treatment, going back to work, not seeing my mom every couple of weeks, no more bird sock pictures (although I think we could make it a monthly or annual thing), and about facing my fears regarding length of remission and prognosis.    But my anxiety is coupled with overwhelming gratitude, joy, excitement, and peace about my life as it is right now.  In hard moments over the last couple of months, I've thought a lot about what cancer has taken from me.  It's taken away my freedom to think about having children without thinking about my life expectancy.   It's taken away finances I could've spent on travel or people.  It's taken away my ability to fill out health questionnaires in a carefree manner, since I now have to check the cancer box at every dentist, massage, or doctor's appointment.  It's put constraints on how Janelle and I can plan for the future.  It's made me fear ever moving further than 20 miles away from Dana-Farber.  Cancer has given me nightmares, baldness, self-righteous thoughts, fears, and complaints.  It's made me rethink my habits, career, and diet.  I could go on.  But instead, every time I think about what cancer has taken from me, I'm reminded of all it has given me.

Cancer has allowed to spend weeks upon weeks with my amazing mother, which has been such a blessing.  It's connected me to my sister and brother in wonderful ways.  It's given me the chance to see the amazing community Janelle and I have in our lives.  It's given me the opportunity to connect with old friends from grade school, high school, and college, as well as, new friends from work and grad school.  I've heard from old neighbors, family friends, colleagues, and perfect strangers.  It's given me amazing socks, that are brightly colored and keep my feet warm.  Cancer has reminded me of each and every blessing in my life.  It's inspired me to learn more, give more, and share more about cancer, the environmental factors that contribute to it, bone/blood/organ donation, and cancer research.  It's connected me to other cancer patients and survivors.  It's made me feel so alone but also reminded me that I'm never alone in this world.  Cancer has reminded me why I love and need to teach.  It has changed my perspective on life in a pretty radical way.  Things that used to stress me out just matter less now.  I'm grateful for my new lens with which I experience the world.  The world I live in now has very dark blacks and very bright lights.  It's different than my old world, but that's ok.

To be clear, my cancer diagnosis has not been a blessing and never will be in my mind.  It still completely sucks.  However, I can't change my diagnosis.  I can only change my attitude and perspective.  My new lens is my blessing.  In some ways, cancer helped me find and create this new lens but I won't give it full credit.  Cancer could've easily ruined me.  I had to make decisions about how to navigate this new world all by myself.  I'm pretty proud of where I've ended up.

I don't want tomorrow to come.  I hate treatment days.  But it's my last treatment day for the foreseeable future.  That makes me joyous and anxious.  I know I'll figure out how to manage life after chemo and I'm also sure that I will have some hard moments.  I'm just glad that I've made it this far.  I couldn't have done this without my family and friends.  Some days they carried me, even when they didn't know it. I know I will never fully be able to express my gratitude to everyone.  Thank you all.  This is a new beginning.  I've had lots of those lately.  I'm finally starting to embrace beginnings and see them for what they are worth, instead of running away from them.  I'm lucky to start this new beginning with a whole flock of amazing people.