My Unwelcome Visitor and My Mantra

I'm done with treatment.  Being done has bought joys and challenges along with it.  I find myself getting caught up in worrying about the future, coming transitions, life expectancy statistics, my trauma, the past, and my fears.  Often my worrying and anxiety bring a visitor along with them.  An unwelcome visitor.  When this visitor appears at my door, I usually try to run away or fight her off.  I'm scared of her.  Scared of my history with her and scared of how she makes me feel.  However, with my therapist's help, I decided to invite my visitor in for tea.  I sat down with her and tried to listen to what she had to tell me.  She came with a purpose.  My visitor came to tell me that I needed to slow down.  Embrace the moments and let go of the "what ifs".  My life is now, so that's where I should be living.  This visitor's name is depression.  She's a shameful visitor but usually has important messages to tell me if I'm willing to listen. It's very common for depression to visit cancer patients, especially during their post-treatment period.  It's a time that is fraught with worries and reliving of the recent trauma.  This visitor has since departed and has left me feeling very hopeful as I take time to breathe, connect, and find joy.

Truthfully, I feel very ashamed that depression has been a part of my cancer journey, especially post-treatment.  It feels like I should just be so happy that I survived and am in remission.  However, I know that I can't control my depression but I can manage how I respond to it.  Luckily, Janelle and I have an amazing social worker at Dana-Farber who has helped us re-frame how to cope and explore my relationship with depression, shame, and cancer as a part of my identity.    

Recently, a mantra has really helped me focus on living in present.  During yoga class last month, we were asked to visualize our greatest hope. As I was visualizing my greatest hope, being healthy, I was told to imagine it was already true and say my intention in the present "today I am healthy".  In doing so, I realized that this is ALREADY true.  Today, I am healthy.  While I can't predict my health of tomorrow, I know that today I am healthy.  This mantra now sits on a post-it next to my bed.  Every day I'm reminded that I'm healthy today and that's all that matters.

More to come soon about returning to work.  I will try to keep writing because it definitely grounds me and reminds me of important truths.